Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
