Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
