I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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