you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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