So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
