I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
