I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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