You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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