Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
