Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
barbara walters just said penis...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
