this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
