He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
