if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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