i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize