someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
