im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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