the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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