It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
