If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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