so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize