apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize