I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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