we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
