I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
