so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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