He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
