you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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