i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
