Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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