my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
