I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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