You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
