It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
