This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
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