The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
