I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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