my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
