There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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