Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
