Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
