Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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