i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
