I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
