i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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