my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
