i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
