I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
