You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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