I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
