I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize