Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i think i have two assholes
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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