I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
