i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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