Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
