I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
