Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As shirtless as possible
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
