If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
