if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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