If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
