i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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