I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I faked an abortion last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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