Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
